I now have two more things to add to my ever-growing list of physical complaints. I have developed patches of itchy rashes in various places on my body and I started another bleeding episode. Seriously. I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to. Which I don’t.
I’m not feeling particularly brave or strong or humorous right now. I’m just feeling tired and discouraged and sorry for myself. Each malady by itself is not such a big deal, but the sum of the individual problems is miserable.
The new rash is probably a reaction to all the medicines I’m on. If that’s the case then when I finish the medicines the rash will clear up. So that’s not such a big deal.
The bleeding is unexpected but not a horrible thing, either. I’m scheduled for a D&C and endometrial ablation at the end of the month so this won’t happen again. I was just kind of hoping this wouldn’t happen again before then.
I know this is understated, but cancer sucks. Each and every problem I’ve had in the last two years is a direct result from having cancer. The rashes and blisters and thrush are all because of what chemotherapy did to me. And the bleeding is from the medicine I’m taking to prevent a recurrence.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m very thankful I live at a time when there are these medical resources available to me. And what I’m “suffering” is nothing compared to what a lot of people are going through. I would endure this every day for the rest of my life if it meant I wouldn’t have to watch my children become gravely ill or injured or worse.
Even so, I just want to be normal. I want a normal day where I do normal chores and plant flowers and run errands without a thought. I want to be a mom to my kids and a wife to my husband. I want to congregate at the corner with the other neighborhood moms to discuss Desperate Housewives and swap recipes. I want to go more than 15 minutes without itching, tingling, burning, hurting and be conscious all at the same time.
I know eventually this will all clear up and I can go about the business of living. Optimist me says it will be within the next week or two. Pessimist me says it’s already been five months of one thing or another, what makes me think it’s going to end any time soon.
Instead of giving all my cares and fears and sadness to God today I’ve held on to them to aid me in my pity party. I guess that’s pretty stupid after all the comfort and strength and peace I’ve received from Him. I know firsthand how gracious He is and yet I chose to just be sad and miserable today. Thankfully His mercies are new every morning and tomorrow is a new day.
Whew. While writing my thoughts and feelings is therapeutic, it does NOT make for entertaining blogstuff. I promise not to post anything in this frame of mind for a long time to come.