Isn't it Ironic??

Back in September I posted a blurb about freaking out over the “Snow Emergency Route” signs they have plastered all around here. They sell snow pants at the local Target and Kohl’s and snow shovels at the grocery store. I’ve never lived anywhere with these things. So I’ve been anticipating/dreading/hoping/dreading winter in Southeast Pennsylvania. What have I experienced so far? Frustration! That’s what. It’s comical that places like Southern California and Southern Texas have had more of a winter than we have.

Supposedly winter hit yesterday. Yeah, it’s been cold and yeah, it snowed last night. But it’s already gone and it’s nearing 40 now. All this makes me wonder two things. One – will we really get a good snow this year? Two – is Father Winter storing up for next year, making 2007/2008 one of the worst winters in history? I guess I’m just going to have to wait and see.

Another Irony

I haven’t posted much because everything I thought to write about just made me sound whiney. Which would have been an accurate impression. But I have to write about this and honestly, it’s my blog so I can write whatever I want to. Gosh! (Rowena – that was for you)

I’ve already established my problem with overactive hormones and the fact this will mean a hysterectomy. What I found out yesterday is that my oncologist wants me to have a Zoladex injection in two weeks to shut things down until I can have that hysterectomy.

In the past 20 months I’ve been told repeatedly how brave and strong I am. I’m not so sure I’m any braver or stronger than anyone else, but I will admit I’m not a wimp. And so there’s no misunderstanding, I credit any strength or bravery to God’s grace.

I was shocked and overwhelmed when I was given a 95% probability of having cancer. But I wasn’t truly scared.

I was a bit nervous about having a mastectomy, but I knew I’d be blissfully unaware and I wasn’t truly scared.

I was somewhat anxious about my first chemotherapy treatment, not knowing how it would feel or what side effects I would have to deal with, but I wasn’t truly scared.

I grieved the day Todd left for Pennsylvania, knowing the separation was going to be the hardest part of my trial, but I wasn’t truly scared.

I was actually more excited than anything about having reconstruction, even though I knew it was going to be quite a recovery – so I wasn’t truly scared.

But I am scared to death of having that Zoladex injection in two weeks. It’s not dangerous or life threatening. It’s not like having a part of my body cut off or moved and placed somewhere else. It’s not like being pumped with several gallons of poisonous chemicals. Really. It should not be so scary!

However, the plain, sad truth of it is that it’s going to hurt. And I’m afraid it’s going to hurt something fierce. The nurse will pinch my already extremely tender belly, stick a large needle into the gathered flesh, and insert what looks like a 1/2 inch long piece of toothpick. The waistband on my very large sweatpants hurts my tummy right now. How is all that going to feel??

I guess I’ve found my Achilles Heel. PLECH!

Reading

I finished Book of the Seven Delights last night. I love Betina Krahn. This is the fifth book of hers that I’ve read and she hasn’t failed to deliver yet. As I mentioned before, the setting is rather unusual – Morocco in the late 1800’s, early 1900’s. Kind of reminded me of The Mummy – one of my favorite movies. All the BK books I’ve read so far have been rated PG-13, maybe even PG, and I find that refreshing. She tells a great story, there’s definite tension between the characters, the kisses are sizzling, but she doesn’t go into detail. She leaves that up to the reader’s imagination. lol

I brought Darkfever by Karen Marie Moning downstairs with me to start today, but I haven’t gotten to it yet.

8 Comments

  1. radioactive girl on January 19, 2007 at 7:16 pm

    I completely understand about not being completely scared until…and then it’s something that shouldn’t even be registering on your scaredness scale that does it. I had a similar thing. When they told me it was cancer, it didn’t scare me, etc. It ended up being something that no one expected to be scary at all that did it. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping everything goes well.

  2. Dylan aka Rowena on January 19, 2007 at 8:16 pm

    Hey sweetie, hehe..you go on and say what you want to say on your blog, more power to you!I’m sorry you’re going through all of this and that you’ve got more to go through still…it’s got to suck but you’ve proven just how strong you are by dealing with it all and that’s very admirable.I’m thinking and praying for you sweetie, always…Hugs,Rowena

  3. Jenster on January 19, 2007 at 10:31 pm

    R.G. – I’m glad to hear someone else with an irrational fear. lol Thanks for the well wishes.Rowena – I appreciate the thoughts and prayers. :o)

  4. Bookwormom on January 19, 2007 at 11:14 pm

    Hi Jen- I totally understand the fear thing. The proverbial ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ idea. I’ve had several amnios with HUGE, darned painful needles digging around down there. So I sympathize. Hugs & prayers~

  5. Jenster on January 19, 2007 at 11:37 pm

    Thanks, Amanda. I never had to have an amnio, but yowza! They sound awful. Worse than what I’ll be having. So thanks for helping me put things into perspective. :o)

  6. Tara Marie on January 21, 2007 at 8:33 am

    Well, you and Amanda have explained why I completely refused amnio. 1. I was having Junior whether he was okay or not, and 2. The darned needle terrified me.The Mummy is one of my favorite movies too–not that that surprises me–LOL. And Book of the Seven Delights reminded me of it too–not that that surprises me either.

  7. Slackermommy on January 22, 2007 at 10:10 am

    I really admire you, you are so strong and I get the needle thing. I’m a nurse and like you had major surgery but come at me with a needle or tear tape off my skin and I’m cowering like child. Do you have any numb parts on your tummy? I do and that’s where my plastic surgeon inserts a needle to aspirate fluid. I was so freaked that it would hurt and I barely felt it!

  8. The Book Girl, A.K.A. Jodi on January 22, 2007 at 10:18 am

    I think we all understand the irrational fear over the smallest things. I can have a million surgeries and months of recoop time, but it’s the fear of the I.V. that I dread the most every. single. time!Sooooo…I know that probably doesn’t make you feel any better, but at least you know you are normal…well as normal as the rest of us anyway. 😉

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