A Lawn Mower, A Snake and a Phone

Because I have nothing to blog about I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story about a lawn mower, a snake and a phone. I like to call it, “A Lawn Mower, A Snake and a Phone.” Hope you like it. Here’s how it goes…

Once upon a time there was a wife who loved her family very much. Her husband worked hard and provided well so she was able to stay at home to take care of their children. Because she felt such gratitude for her husband she decided to mow the back yard so he could come home from work and relax.

Now the lot the house sat on was a fairly large lot. Some might even say they had “land” because it measured a fourth of an acre. The town in which they lived had a law that said land owners may have one horse for each acre. The wife amused herself greatly with the thought they could own a quarter horse since they had a quarter of an acre.

The husband, being manly and riddled with testosterone, thought they needed a riding mower. The wife, being much more practical and grounded, thought it was silly, though the idea of driving an almost-tractor did sound fun.

This particular day she walked out the back door and, as she headed to the lawn mower, caught some movement out of the corner of her eye. When she looked closer she realized it was a snake, quietly slithering toward the deck she stood on. Not inclined toward dramatics, still the wife squeaked and ran inside to call the man she called hero. Her husband.

But alas, he was no longer in his office given it was lunch time. She left this frantic message on his voice mail: “Are there any good black snakes?” then hung up. As she waited for the husband to call her back she watched intently for the cold reptile through the bay window of the dining room. The last thing she saw was a shiny, dark tail as the offending creature slid under the deck.

When, after several minutes, the husband didn’t return her call she thought it best to page him – this being before he had been issued a cell phone. The husband and the wife had a code amongst them to alert the husband if the wife was in a true emergency. After leaving the phone number on the pager she was to add 911. Believing this was not a true emergency but an almost emergency, the wife entered 910, that number being almost 911. Unfortunately, the wife was so anxious she did not realize she had entered her phone number incorrectly.

The husband, being in a hurry to catch up with his co-workers for lunch, had listened to the voice mail but did not consider it to be critical. When he received the bewildering page while at the restaurant, however, he became concerned that a venomous snake had bitten his wife and already the delirium had set in.

Even though mobile phones were commonplace at this time, nobody at his table seemed to carry one. So he appealed to the good graces of the restaurant manager to let him use the phone for an emergency. But the manager was of a bad ilk and had no good graces, directing the husband to a pay phone in the entry way of the restaurant.

The husband had no change on him, though thankfully was able to scrounge some up from his friends. Fearing the worst as he called home, he was greatly relieved when he found out the wife had not been bitten by the snake. His relief was replaced with huge guffaws as she explained why she used 910 as opposed to 911 and at that moment he vowed never to let the story die. In fact the husband was in a terrible hurry to get back to his table and share the tale with his friends.

After assurances from the husband that it was a garden snake and perfectly harmless, the wife decided to risk everything and mow the lawn as originally planned. This, however, meant she would have to walk across the deck the serpent had slithered under. Being an intelligent woman and having seen Anaconda, the wife knew the snake was capable of bursting through the decking, biting her heel and dragging her down into the bug infested great abyss beneath the porch.

But the wife’s love for the husband overrode her mounting dread so she ran down the steps, jumping as far onto the deck as possible and clearing it in two bounds. She sought refuge on the seat of the hulking lawn mower and managed her passes by the deck on the side opposite the clutch so she was able to lift her foot high, rendering an ankle attack useless.

The End

If names had been used in this story, they would have been changed to protect the innocent and the not so innocent. There are those among us who like to change the story to their whim, but this is the truest, most authentic telling.

29 Comments

  1. Becky on December 3, 2007 at 12:27 pm

    That was hilarious, Jenster! I could totally picture the entire thing in my mind, lol.

  2. Terri on December 3, 2007 at 12:36 pm

    And, this is why we love you! I bet Todd gets alot of good laughs when he shares this one!

  3. Tanya on December 3, 2007 at 1:05 pm

    Snakes are very dangerous and I think they have super powers.

  4. Jenster on December 3, 2007 at 1:24 pm

    Becky – I’m glad you liked this entirely fictional story.Terri – I’m always hearing “910” in a falsetto voice.Tanya – I couldn’t agree more!

  5. Monnik on December 3, 2007 at 3:23 pm

    bwahahahah! Oh my goodness. This is hysterical.I love the 910 page. It’s making me giggle even now. You crack me up.

  6. Swishy on December 3, 2007 at 3:35 pm

    910! HA! I love it!!

  7. The Daily "B" on December 3, 2007 at 3:38 pm

    LOL!

  8. Dev on December 3, 2007 at 3:40 pm

    How funny!!! You’re a great storyteller, Jen!

  9. Katybug on December 3, 2007 at 3:55 pm

    Sniff, sniff. What a moving story. That husband–were he not fictional, of course–would surely be the luckiest man alive to have a wife such as this. Just think–to dare to mow the lawn, knowing that at any moment she could be swallowed whole by that not-so-fictional beast…sigh. Oh to be even remotely like this grand and noble woman. I know the gratitude and devotion the fictional husband would feel for his beloved wife in his fictional little heart would be too immense for words.

  10. Kris on December 3, 2007 at 3:58 pm

    LOL, you…I mean, she is so cute.

  11. angela on December 3, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    Good thing you saw the movie Anaconda or you might have not taken such safety measures and wouldn’t be here today to tell us your adventure. I paged my husband with a 911 once when I cut off my babies fingertip when trying to clip his nails. Thankfully your story didn’t have any blood in it.

  12. Rosie on December 3, 2007 at 8:06 pm

    Like Monnik I’m still laughing over the 910 page. Can’t wait to tell this ficitional story to GG when he gets home.

  13. Oh PLEASE!!!!It is so much more funny than what the author has provided….you do not get the hysterical sound of her voice on the phone…..and I must say that the author has used some creative license with her telling of the story.Todd

  14. lahdeedah on December 4, 2007 at 1:14 am

    Wow. Love how you handled this difficult sitiation like the true heroine you are. Love that you’re still here to tell your tale 🙂

  15. Gretchen on December 4, 2007 at 3:36 am

    What I love about you is that you keep your head in any situation. I don’t think I would have mowed. The only thing worse than getting bitten by an anaconda is shredding one in the mower. eeeewww.Thanks for the smile.

  16. Sherry on December 4, 2007 at 8:28 am

    Who said truth is stranger than fiction…truth is fiction!!

  17. Bookwormom on December 4, 2007 at 9:25 am

    Too too funny. You’re a dangerous woman when I’m sitting here with a cup of hot tea. LOL <;0

  18. Bookwormom on December 4, 2007 at 9:25 am

    Too too funny. You’re a dangerous woman when I’m sitting here with a cup of hot tea. LOL <;0

  19. Lisa on December 4, 2007 at 10:52 am

    BWAHAHA!

  20. Eileen on December 4, 2007 at 11:31 am

    I love your “fictional” stories. So funny and realistic!! Seriously, totally made my morning.Have a great day!

  21. radioactive girl on December 4, 2007 at 1:18 pm

    When I was pregnant with my first baby, I may or may not have used the 910 code for the same exact reason. I believe we must be related because we are so very much alike!

  22. Shauna on December 4, 2007 at 4:07 pm

    ROTFL! This is great stuff, Jen. I love the “910” page! Makes perfect sense. 😉

  23. Jenster on December 4, 2007 at 6:03 pm

    Thank you all, ladies, for getting the wife!And you, Man, what creative license would you be talking about? That’s the way I heard the story!!

  24. CindyS on December 5, 2007 at 9:14 am

    Too cute. Unlike the fictional heroine I would not have thought about using 910 and would have dialed 911 without any worries that the incident was not an emergency.Clearly she was not overcome by fear.CindyS

  25. JenniferTX on December 5, 2007 at 10:35 am

    Wow, what a wonderful story of daring, Jen — quite motivational, although if I see a snake, I’m not going to go all Steve Irwin and actually get near the thing. Nope, I know better! I KNOW snakes have magical powers. *grin* Sad thing is, Pilot Man feels the same, so sending him a 911 (or even 910) message about a snake is liable to cause him to call Animal Control rather than try to save me. But I’ve got to say my favorite part is the almost-an-emergency number — I LOVE the way your brain works, Jen!Hugs,Jennifer

  26. Slackermommy on December 5, 2007 at 12:53 pm

    Too funny!I’m out of my mind when I see snakes. I probably wouldn’t have been able to find the phone.

  27. Mama P on December 5, 2007 at 1:10 pm

    That was hilarious. What happened to the snake? Ever find it?

  28. Lynilu on December 7, 2007 at 8:10 am

    I’m so glad that was fiction! If it were real, I’d have thought someone were making changes in some of the events to mask a story in my life. Glad you weren’t telling stories about me! 🙂

  29. April on December 7, 2007 at 1:18 pm

    Thanks for the laughs. You are so much fun.

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