No Sex in the Quaint Village

Today was the spa day with my friends, Kris, Sheri & Laura. The plan was to meet at Kris’ at 11:30 and then get our massages in shifts – two at 12:00 and two at 1:15. Have you ever had a massage? Do you have any idea how much work goes into preparing for a 60 minute massage?

For me there was the little matter of pre-massage deforestation. First I had to hit the underarms. Let me give you a brief history of my armpits. Because of the mastectomy I can’t ever shave my left underarm – a precaution to hopefully prevent lymphedema. So when I had my reconstruction tattoos I had laser hair removal at the same time. It was all in the same general area anyway. After one, two, three sessions the hair seemed to be gone. Sadly, it wasn’t. It’s very thin and sparse and kind of hard to see, but when it gets around an inch long you know it’s there. But who really cares when it’s winter and nobody is seeing my armpits anyway. Except for Todd because I sleep in a tank top, but I tell myself it’s exotic in a very bohemian, European kind of way. My choices were either braid the hair or Veet it. I chose the Veet because: A) trying to braid your own armpit hair is really awkward and nearly impossible; and B) braided underarm hair is gross.

Once my upper body was satisfactorily hair-free I jumped in the shower with a brand, spankin’ new razor and my pot of salt and oil scrub. I learned a long time ago to do the salt scrub before shaving and not after. So I scrubbed up good and then shaved my legs. I shaved my thighs twice, certain I got everything. Except for that I ended up dry shaving the patches I missed. After the Veeting and the scrubbing and the shaving and all that I realized I needed to paint my toenails. That chore done, I finished getting ready and then it was time to get dressed.

What does one wear to a massage? I hemmed and hawed and went back and forth between my nice jeans and a cute top or my tracksuit. I decided on the comfortable tracksuit with the elastic waistband. The thought of taking off my jeans and the seam indentions all over the place was bad enough, but the image of my totally relaxed self trying to put my jeans back on made me cringe. So the tracksuit it was with flip flops because I’d waited too long to paint my toenails.

I walked down to Kris’s and she and Laura were all cute in their jeans and sweaters and nice shoes and there I was. Then we picked up Sheri on our way out of the neighborhood and she was all cute in her jeans and sweaters and nice shoes. *sigh* No matter. I was comfy.

Because of my weight and my reconstruction issues and scars and whatnot I was pretty apprehensive about it. But once I lay down on the massage table in the darkened room with the relaxing music and the burning candles I forgot what I’d had to be anxious about. It was 60 minutes of sheer bliss. And my pants went back on quite nicely, thank you very much!

We were all so mellow when we reconvened after the massages. Really, really mellow. And hungry. So after our day at the spa we went out for a delicious late lunch/early dinner. And talked. And ate. And split a bottle of wine. And talked some more. And ate a ton. And talked even more. It was one of the most delightful days I think I’ve ever had.

When I got home I sat on the love seat and chatted with the family. Then I laid my head on the arm of the love seat. Then I put a foot on the love seat, soon to be followed by the other foot. Katie walked over to the quilt chest for something so I asked her to cover me up with a blanket. She took my crocs off and tucked me in all nice and cozy and I passed out. Taylor left with a friend, the pizza guy came, Todd and Katie ate and then Katie left with her friend and I was oblivious to most of it.
The girls and I decided we’re not going to wait a whole year to do this again.

We’re thinking of doing it twice a year, maybe even four times a year. Heck, if it wasn’t for the money I’d say once a week! As chill as I am right now my family should put their resources together and send me on a regular basis.

16 thoughts on “No Sex in the Quaint Village

  1. Quoting just like Suzanne, “For me there was the little matter of pre-massage deforestation…”classic.I’m sooooo glad you got to do this, Jenster. And I’m so tickled at your descriptions of it all. BTW, have you seen the commercial with the hairy armpit girl???

  2. Oh my gosh, the things us women worry about huh? I’m so glad you went and relaxed and I’m killing myself about the body hair. I could shave three to four times on my legs and I still miss a strip – like a landing strip. Make me crazy!Let me see if I can find that commercial with the hairy armpits Gretchen mentioned because it was the first image to pop into my head also! – too funny.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iT89qfDx3yM If that doesn’t work go to youtube and it’s under boost mobile armpit hair ;)Cindys

  3. Ain’t nothing in the world like that quiet room, smelly candles and someone working out all the kinks and knots – heaven. Good for you and your gal pals!! Do NOT ignore that event every year!!

  4. Ohh, massages are the best. i seriously think we would all be in much better mental health if we had one regulary. Speaking of, we need to call our person and have her come out to the house. the trick is you can usually pay less to have someone come to your home since they then get to keep all the profits instead of sharing with the place if you go to a palce. we got our girl from a place, which was probably not right of her to do, but we don’t mind.i had to laugh–A LOT about your deforestation comments. glad it was good though in the end. oh, and i always go in comfy clothes!!

  5. His Girl – Come on!!Lynilu – You naughty girl! :o)Monnik – You and I know I deserve it once a week, but my pocketbook says otherwise.Suzanne – I highly recommend it!Gretchen – I hadn’t seen that commercial, but thanks to Cindy I have now.Cindy – Thanks for the video! That’s hysterical in a disgusting way. And let’s not even go into chin hairs.Diane – YES MA’AM!Beans – Having someone to the house sounds awesome!

  6. Still trying to figure out the title, and still giggling. You are hilarious. All that work you had to do is a good portion of why I have never had a massage – the other portion is that I don’t want no one touchin’ that! Glad it made you feel good though! And look at you and your rampant writing gigs!

  7. Oh, man, this was HILARIOUS!See, I would’ve been right there with you in my track suit and flip flops. And relaxing at home afterward…bonus.I love massages, but (call me crazy) I’m not wild about spas. Particularly getting nekked in front of other people. At least not the one I went to. In a hotel in L.A. It was a Valentine’s Day treat for my SIL’s, my MIL and me from my brother in law (then a bachelor). It was fun, but I did resent that they did the facials and pedi’s on a different floor from the massages, and that I had to wear a towel on my head and a skimpy spa robe and toe separator sponges THROUGH the hotel to get to the other portion of the spa. Nothing like being dressed in such a way, and with your SIL’s, stepping onto an elevator filled with businessmen in their suits and having next to nothing on and zero makeup, and cringing the entire way to the other floor.Oy.Anyway, glad your experience was far better than mine, lol!

  8. I can’t believe you made it home after a massage AND a bottle of wine!!! I got a massage every week when I was pregnant with Little Bit. It was absolutely divine. And let me recommend the 90-minute massage. But be forewarned: once you go for the 90, 60 just will NOT be enough. 🙂

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